In this first post in a long time let’s look at “I’m RIGHT” and “Therefore you are WRONG”

One of the biggest issues in relationships -whether on the job or in families- is the difficulty one experience when there’s “this one person” who always needs to be right.

If the other person does not have this very same need, they may shrivel up from the inside. They often retreat — feeling that they are not ‘good enough’. However, if this person also needs to be right, they will experience a “battle of the wills” and it gets ugly – most of the time if not always.

At work: “There’s only one way to get it done and it’s my way.”In relationships: “When are you going to learn to listen? You always ………..) [Fill in the gap with your own ‘story’]

When someone has the overriding need to be RIGHT, it generally MUST imply the other person wrong. And when you do this, several things occur:
• You do not listen to the other person – you are closed, disinterested because you are already “right” in your own mind.
• You also start to get frustrated / irritated with the other person – whether at work or in relationship this is the beginning of bullying
• You disvalue the person. Because you are already right, you have no interest in the other party or his/his thoughts or opinions. You have no value. In Transactional Analysis we refer to these transactions as “Discounting”.
• You can be so focused on getting things done that you may disvalue also the other person’s attempts to be helpful in resolving the conflict.

And then conflict escalates, because –

• The other person feels “wrong” – it’s like they have no value and are not worthy of your time, your RESPECT, and your cooperation. At work, this results in the person feeling like they should “just shut up and do as they are told” which doesn’t make for a healthy work environment.

In a long term relationship this may even become a repetitive pattern. One partner will feel diminished, discounted, irrelevant – thus resulting in them withdrawing and hiding the best of themselves behind a mask because no matter what they do, they start believing they are not good enough for you. Perhaps it was intentionally (because this need becomes a belief that you are always right. However the message they get from you is clear; you have told them they don’t matter so many times without realizing it.
• They may rebel and become defensive. If their self-worth is tied to their thoughts and ideas and the message you send them is that they are wrong, then they will instinctively fight – or withdraw into a space away from you – they give you the cold shoulder.

And this is why people fight and argue, why workers sabotage their team’s efforts – often not even realising it…
Ever wondered why family members don’t talk for years and years, why (most) divorces are so mean…???

THE GOOD NEWS IS: One Can Be Right without Needing to Tell Others They Are Wrong

Let’s consider this: How can one be right without insisting the other person is wrong. In fact, isn’t it true that BOTH YOU AND THE OTHER person is right in YOUR OWN MINDS? Perceptions create our own realities. With the information we have, we form our perspective, and this becomes a belief that at this moment (and even if we are wrong) we are right! At least in our own mind.

We need to learn to respect that! … We need to learn to step back, wait, and try to understand the other’s perspective. When we learn about each other’s level of knowledge, we would also know how to respond ‘better’, if we need to at all?

Research shows that most – if not all – people cannot separate themselves from their thoughts. In other words, they believe their thoughts and beliefs are becoming who the ARE.

ACTIVITY: As coaches we need to examine ourselves. Do we come into the coaching relationship with no agenda to be right?

We are NOT our thoughts. And we can learn to manage our thoughts rather than allowing them to manage us.

To separate ourselves from our thoughts is quite a big task. It requires that we practice presence:
• Notice our thoughts,
• Notice the emotions generated by our thoughts, and
• Become masterful observers of ourselves.

As Coaches we must be Masterful observers and masterful choosers BEFORE we can earn the right to coach.

We uphold the belief that in reality, there is nothing of greater value than a human life, don’t we? So in that moment when we believe we are right and nothing, I mean, literally nothing can dissuade us or change our mind: let’s practice this on our selves:

• OBSERVE your body for the physiological and emotional response.
• FEEL your blood boil and your pulse quicken.
• STOP!!!!
• BREATHE – TAKE time out, step back!!!!

Master Coaches choose instead to ask the tough questions.

We are INTERESTED in how the person thinks. Let them think their own thoughts, have their own ideas. Given their perspective on the world, they ARE RIGHT TOO.

Just imagine how families might get along a lot better; how bridges might be built, and how many relationships might be turned around if we could each learn to be more open to each other and NOT be so attached to our own ideas about what is right or wrong?

PS
Sometimes we find that we indeed have something to teach. Let’s share it only AFTER we have heard their ideas and discovered their knowledge base and know where they want to move next.
We love hearing your thoughts! Please share your comments below.

Think good thoughts,

Elta

Comments are closed