In this first post in a long time let’s look at “I’m RIGHT” and “Therefore you are WRONG”

One of the biggest issues in relationships -whether on the job or in families- is the difficulty one experience when there’s “this one person” who always needs to be right.

If the other person does not have this very same need, they may shrivel up from the inside. They often retreat — feeling that they are not ‘good enough’. However, if this person also needs to be right, they will experience a “battle of the wills” and it gets ugly – most of the time if not always.

At work: “There’s only one way to get it done and it’s my way.”In relationships: “When are you going to learn to listen? You always ………..) [Fill in the gap with your own ‘story’]

When someone has the overriding need to be RIGHT, it generally MUST imply the other person wrong. And when you do this, several things occur:
• You do not listen to the other person – you are closed, disinterested because you are already “right” in your own mind.
• You also start to get frustrated / irritated with the other person – whether at work or in relationship this is the beginning of bullying
• You disvalue the person. Because you are already right, you have no interest in the other party or his/his thoughts or opinions. You have no value. In Transactional Analysis we refer to these transactions as “Discounting”.
• You can be so focused on getting things done that you may disvalue also the other person’s attempts to be helpful in resolving the conflict.

And then conflict escalates, because –

• The other person feels “wrong” – it’s like they have no value and are not worthy of your time, your RESPECT, and your cooperation. At work, this results in the person feeling like they should “just shut up and do as they are told” which doesn’t make for a healthy work environment.

In a long term relationship this may even become a repetitive pattern. One partner will feel diminished, discounted, irrelevant – thus resulting in them withdrawing and hiding the best of themselves behind a mask because no matter what they do, they start believing they are not good enough for you. Perhaps it was intentionally (because this need becomes a belief that you are always right. However the message they get from you is clear; you have told them they don’t matter so many times without realizing it.
• They may rebel and become defensive. If their self-worth is tied to their thoughts and ideas and the message you send them is that they are wrong, then they will instinctively fight – or withdraw into a space away from you – they give you the cold shoulder.

And this is why people fight and argue, why workers sabotage their team’s efforts – often not even realising it…
Ever wondered why family members don’t talk for years and years, why (most) divorces are so mean…???

THE GOOD NEWS IS: One Can Be Right without Needing to Tell Others They Are Wrong

Let’s consider this: How can one be right without insisting the other person is wrong. In fact, isn’t it true that BOTH YOU AND THE OTHER person is right in YOUR OWN MINDS? Perceptions create our own realities. With the information we have, we form our perspective, and this becomes a belief that at this moment (and even if we are wrong) we are right! At least in our own mind.

We need to learn to respect that! … We need to learn to step back, wait, and try to understand the other’s perspective. When we learn about each other’s level of knowledge, we would also know how to respond ‘better’, if we need to at all?

Research shows that most – if not all – people cannot separate themselves from their thoughts. In other words, they believe their thoughts and beliefs are becoming who the ARE.

ACTIVITY: As coaches we need to examine ourselves. Do we come into the coaching relationship with no agenda to be right?

We are NOT our thoughts. And we can learn to manage our thoughts rather than allowing them to manage us.

To separate ourselves from our thoughts is quite a big task. It requires that we practice presence:
• Notice our thoughts,
• Notice the emotions generated by our thoughts, and
• Become masterful observers of ourselves.

As Coaches we must be Masterful observers and masterful choosers BEFORE we can earn the right to coach.

We uphold the belief that in reality, there is nothing of greater value than a human life, don’t we? So in that moment when we believe we are right and nothing, I mean, literally nothing can dissuade us or change our mind: let’s practice this on our selves:

• OBSERVE your body for the physiological and emotional response.
• FEEL your blood boil and your pulse quicken.
• STOP!!!!
• BREATHE – TAKE time out, step back!!!!

Master Coaches choose instead to ask the tough questions.

We are INTERESTED in how the person thinks. Let them think their own thoughts, have their own ideas. Given their perspective on the world, they ARE RIGHT TOO.

Just imagine how families might get along a lot better; how bridges might be built, and how many relationships might be turned around if we could each learn to be more open to each other and NOT be so attached to our own ideas about what is right or wrong?

PS
Sometimes we find that we indeed have something to teach. Let’s share it only AFTER we have heard their ideas and discovered their knowledge base and know where they want to move next.
We love hearing your thoughts! Please share your comments below.

Think good thoughts,

Elta

When I first experienced the benefits of coaching some 21 years ago (whilst undergoing train-the-trainer for “Coaching for Sales Growth” at 3M) I soon realised that I would never want stop adding to my skills-set and theoretical learning.

As an experiential learning ‘addict’ I continued to feed my curiosity. In 2009 I came across ReciproCoach via the Coaching Commons!

Upon investigation I immediately knew I hit the jackpot: And that this is the forum where coaches can further their experiential learning in a cost effective way. I decided that I wanted to make it my mission to introduce fellow coaches in South Africa to this caring and sharing community.

I’ve always been committed to supervision and completed my PhD in 2003 about Reflective Teams as a restorative and supportive approach to Supervision. I did (and still do) Supervision for many for human service providers, many who are working as Social Workers in the field of Child Abuse.

To see my professional profile click  http://www.reciprocoach.com/DrElta 

And whilst you are there please browse around the RECIPROCOACH site to form you own impressions.

I want to invite all South African Coaches – from all schools, to sign up for an experience not to be missed!!!   Do so with the South African voucher code (SA20110516) to receive a free year’s subscription to your choice of one ReciproCoach Resource.

Please do not hesitate to contact me for more information. I’m looking forward to share some exhilarating anecdotes with you.

 Lisa Rothstein on 02/23/2011

Email management as a creative tool?

It’s not as crazy as it sounds. Of all the technology out there today that’s supposed to help us, email has to be the number one time-suck. The average person spends hours each day on email, and we’ll wager that includes at least some time you could be devoting to those talents and creative projects you never seem to have a moment to pursue. Besides the time it robs you of, email also steals your focus (which multi-talented people have precious little of to begin with) by creating mind clutter that blossoms the second you look at your teeming inbox, and continues long after you’ve closed it. All those things you’re supposed to read, to know, to remember, to respond to. Oy vey. And then, it often happens that the one email you actually needed to read right away (your aunt’s funeral is on Wednesday, you’ve just received a big order for your paintings, Steven Spielberg wants to make your movie) gets buried among the flotsam and jetsam and you miss it entirely until it’s too late. Of course, email is not exactly evil…but it is a necessary evil. So, in the interest of DaVincis everywhere, here are six email management tips and strategies that will leave you much more time, focus and energy for your talents and the rest of your life.

1. Never EVER do it first. If you’re like many creative people, first thing in the morning is the most fruitful, productive and hopeful period of the day. A fresh start. A clean slate. A blank canvas for your most cherished goals, dreams and plans. Why would your first act then be to dump a whole stinking new pile of demands and useless information into this sacred space? Worried you’ll miss something important that needs action right away? If you get up reasonably early, you should have a couple of hours at least before anyone could expect you to look your email. If it’s urgent, they can call you. Don’t give in to the temptation to expose yourself to people’s demands and new information before choosing and doing one important task for yourself, something that honors your talents or contributes to your goals.

2. Pick set times for tackling email and stick to them. In his book The Four Hour Work Week, author Tim Ferriss tells of the time he sent out an email to everyone he knew (I think he also made it an automatic response message) that he would from now on only be checking email twice a day. For anything urgent, the people who needed his cell number already had it. He got some grumbles but no one died. And really, unless you’re working the floor of the New York Stock Exchange, why do you need to be so reachable every second? Most people should be fine dealing with email only twice a day, unless they are using checking email every five minutes as an excuse for procrastination. But we know you would never do that.

3. Don’t use it as a To Do List. Many of us leave emails in our inbox as reminders to get back to someone, or to read something later. I am guilty of this. The trouble is, it works too well. You get reminded and reminded and reminded of things –sometimes for days or weeks! –that in many cases you didn’t need to deal with in the first place. This contributes mightily to that brain clutter and sense of overwhelm that email is so famous for.

4. Just Delete It. Just like you can donate that favorite skirt your wore in college (trust me, even if kilts do come back, you’re too old to wear them now without looking like an off-duty bagpiper), you can delete that questionable email without opening it. Yes, it’s hard. Yes, you run the miniscule risk of deleting something that maybe you should have read. Guess what. The world will not end. If someone asks why you haven’t responded to an email you deleted, just ask them to resend it or — GASP — to tell you what it said so you can respond on the spot. And, if you’re really worried, and you have a lot of storage, you can set up your email to save your trash for longer, or indefinitely. Then if you even did need to rummage through your electronic dumpster for that important email you tossed, you can. It has not happened to me once.

5. Unsubscribe. Yes, like me, you’ve been on a million email lists because you signed up to get that free report on how to be more productive, how to write a blog, how to unleash your creative potential, yadda yadda yadda. Now you’re doomed to get that person’s newsletter for the rest of your life. (And did you ever even read that report?) Many DaVincis — and I include myself — suffer from a learning compulsion or information addiction. Fortunately, at least in this case, there is an easy way out. Just scroll down to the bottom of the email and hit the unsubscribe link. You can, of course, select a few people or groups you really get value from and continue to receive only their emails — like Davincidilemma.com of course

6. Use Filters and folders. This is incredibly helpful. You probably get a lot of email that falls into categories such as newsletters you really do want, or things related to specific projects, groups you belong to, etc. Your email service will let you create folders for these messages and filters to pre-sort them into the folders. Gmail also gives you a tool called labels, instead of folders, which lets you put tags on messages and archive them in multiple places if they fall into more than one category. If you do this rigorously, the only things you should see in your inbox are what’s left — the important stuff. If not…see #3 and #4.

7. Tackle email F.A.S.T. Don’t just “check” email, process it. Try to handle all the email in your inbox the F.A.S.T. way. Either file it (F) in a folder; act on it (A) by answering it, forwarding it, or picking up the phone; schedule a time to deal with it (S); or toss it (T). If you focus on these during your set email times (see #2) you’ll be rewarded with a much less chaotic inbox and a more productive day.

Activity: Try one of these strategies every day, or every other day. Keep adding and building on the last one. At the end of a week or so, you should see a vast improvement. Let us know what you’re doing with the time and lunacy you’ve saved! Posting a comment gets you an automatic backlink to your own blog. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Are you struggling with too many talents, skills, ideas? You may have The DaVinci Dilemma™! Find tools, fun quizzes, coaching, inspiration and solutions for multi-talented people at http:////www.davincidilemma.com// .

THIS MONTH’S CHALLENGE:

When I chose to make my theme for August “Gratitude”, little did I realise that it was going to be a daily practice of taking those small steps against my own scale. As most of you may know, I went through what was perhaps the toughest six weeks of my life. It demanded a lot of soul-searching, facing THE TRUTH (not my truth), dealing with loss, practicing presence (acceptance) and commitment (to wisdom to know the difference). Vacillating between self-doubt and self-acceptance I read “Mistakes were made….” (more in my reading list) I checked in with myself, my supervisor and a couple of good and trusted friends regularly – accountability checkups. I could move from a 0 (not a good place) to a 5 (better place) and gradually to a 10 (a good place). This morning, when tidying up my desk from all the Microsoft “How to…” guides I came across a book I bought, started reading, and then completely forgot about it! The title “VITAL LIES, SIMPLE TRUTHS” by Daniel Goleman is “… a penetrating analysis of the ways in which we deceive ourselves …our means of psychological self-preservation, the currency of survival in which society transacts” [adapted from the back cover].

“So what has this got to do with SF practices”?

You may well ask. Here is my answer:

I so  wanted to get to 10 quicly! My supervisor did all he could: really listened, ask the right questions… we even rebuilt the platform. With hindsight I think having an SF-Supervisor was not always helpful.

It was only after he shared his “VIEWS” with me that I could:

• embrace the real truth about the stumbling block(s)

• stop looking around • practise presence (breathe, and then some more

• accept responsibility

I could celebrate my 6 to 7; 7.5 to 8, and occasional my9 – before that 10. It was not all plain sailing: I could look at the 5.5; once even a -3! and explore what it was that I stopped doing, and recommit to more or of what worked.

My question to you: Are we mindful of being sensitive enough to our clients’ readiness to move, to co-create a thinking environment where there is space to breathe and to allow them to set their own pace? Are we always willing to work with our coach-mentor when we get stuck? Are we even willing to admit that we need to/ Wishing you all a great week!

PS!

 Using my experiences as a type of “case study” was perhaps a brave thing to do, or not… At least there was no confidentiality or ethical issues here! I prefer to believe it’s my willingness to openly walk my talk. “The quality of everything we do depends on the quality of the thinking we do first.” ~ Nancy Kline

PPS!!

And as we reflect on this case study, let’s consider also this quote: “Your body needs to be held and to hold, to be touched and to touch. None of these needs is to be despised, denied, or repressed. But you have to keep searching for your body’s deeper need, the need for genuine love. Every time you are able to go beyond the body’s superficial desires for love, you are bringing your body home and moving toward integration and unity.” – Henri Nouwen

Would love to hear your thoughts!

An Attitude of Gratitude

by

Frank Thomas

RATKES, Winter 2005-06

Grateful people are happier, more optimistic, more satisfied with their lives.  They are more empathetic toward others.  We even have a bit of evidence that grateful people are viewed as kinder, more helpful and more supportive than less-grateful people.

Michael McCullough

Professor of Psychology

University of Miami

In my last RATKES column, I rambled a bit on this notion of “well-being” and the increased interest in wellness I have both witnessed and experienced.  Having eliminated the possibility of achieving “balance” in my life (please see the last issue!), I find myself wondering, much as others do, “Now what?”  Although change can be positive when options are narrowed, I always seem to wander around looking for another idea or practice that fills the “gap” that is created when I purge some.  My good friend Dr. Duane Bidwell brought my attention to a time-honored possibility:  GRATITUDE.

Gratitude is an odd concept, as it can be seen both as a state of being (an emotion) and as an attitude toward life.  Cicero once said that gratitude is “the parent of all other” virtues.  Research supports gratitude as a means to improved mood, a factor in successful marriages, and fuel for personal growth and resilience.  When people adopt a grateful attitude, they tend to remember positive events in their lives more easily and are better able to promote constructive changes in their social relationships – both families and organizational systems.  Grateful people tend to inspire prosocial behavior within others as well as personal moral behavior.  When we adopt an “attitude of gratitude,” we tend to overlook the unimportant negatives in others.  In addition, gratitude correlates positively with personal spirituality and the attaining of personal goals.

“Soooooo,” I ask myself, “what is holding me back from being more grateful?”  I find that gratitude must be sown, nourished, and harvested.  Being a Norwegian-Finnish-American from a fairly large family, I grew up with an appreciation for what I call “simple graces”:  a hot dinner, clothing that kept me warm, work that is satisfying, attention from people I admired.  As I grew older, I have found that I can easily take the simple things in life – even important events and relationships – for granted.  Recently, I have rekindled my perception of and interest in these simple graces and have been developing rituals of gratitude around them.  When I awaken at night and find myself unable to drift back to sleep, I recall moments of kindness I experienced during the previous day.  When I shower in the mornings, my mind drifts toward the coming day and focuses on how I might notice and appreciate who I am, what I have, and what I receive.  When I eat, I pause to remember the sacrifices others have made – farmers, grocers, truckers, and others – so I might nourish my body with food that is plentiful.  While I write this article, I stop to notice the wonderful color, texture, and aroma of the single-malt scotch that I am able to enjoy.

How can one plant, cultivate, and reap benefits from an attitude of gratitude?  Here are a few more ideas:

• Pause prior to each counseling session and focus on how fortunate you are to be a witness to people’s struggles, suffering, and triumphs.
• Say grace before eating or drinking.  This can be a religious/spiritual exercise within which one gives thanks to an Other, or it can simply be a moment of thanksgiving to those who have labored to bring food to your table.
• Write about your experiences within the frame of gratitude.  Keep a “gratitude journal,” focusing on being grateful during a portion of your journaling each week.  Notice who comes to mind; what events, people, and experiences rise to the surface; and how you honor those who contribute to what is important in your life.
• “Share the credit” – this is a familiar concept to Finns because of the work of our friends Ben Furman and Tapani Ahola.  Say “Thank you!” aloud to friends, family, and colleagues as you work, rest, and play.  Saying, “I am so thankful you are my friend” will brighten two lives – you for speaking, and the other for listening.
• Develop “gratitude triggers.”  My friend and colleague Duane has a beautiful practice that he has developed with his three-year-old adopted Vietnamese son, Ben.  Whenever Ben notices anything while they are driving in the car together, Duane says, “Thank God for ______.”  This can become comical, I am sure:  “Thank God for policemen…Thank God for signs…Thank God for lawn mowers…”, but they are cultivating a relationship of gratitude that I truly admire.
• Practice silence and contemplation.  Nothing allows you to develop and express gratitude like reflective thought.

And how might this be relevant to our competency-based and solution-focused therapy and consultation practices?  Again, here are a few of my ideas:

• Elicit explanations that allow for clients to “share credit,” assuming others can both be identified and appreciated.  Example:  How have others contributed to your rapid recovery?
• Generate curiosity around gratitude.  Example:  I wonder who you might thank for the positive changes you have experienced?  Could we start with you?
• Create “awards” and allow clients to give “awards speeches,” spinning off of the work of White and Epston.  Many people have seen “The Academy Awards” or similar programs.  When people are given a much-deserved award, they almost always give tribute to colleagues, friends, and family who have inspired or supported their success.  Example:  You have just received the “Most Improved Student Award” in your school.  Congratulations!  Who would you thank in your acceptance speech if you were to walk to the stage to receive your trophy?
• Ask about valuable relationships and encourage (re)connecting with those who make positive differences.  Example:  Who values you?  How do you know this?  If you were to go to this person, what would you say to thank her for what she has contributed to your success?
• Find out who is part of the “supporting cast” of this person’s life.  Example:  If you are the star of “Your Life,” who are the supporting cast members?  What parts do they play?  How do they “polish your star” and make you shine even brighter?
• Finally, ask about personal qualities and traits for which the client is thankful that are genetic gifts or legacies.  Example:  Your marvelous singing voice has served you well, helping you overcome loneliness.  Which side of the family did you get that from?  Have you ever thanked your Mom for that gift?  How might you do that?

All in all, nourishing an attitude of gratitude in ourselves may lead us to appreciate our own “supporting cast,” improving our well-being and strengthening our ties to health in others.  I would love to hear your stories of gratitude and how you discover gratitude in your everyday practices!

Gratefully yours (how else can I be!),

Frank Thomas, PhD

Associate Professor of Counseling, Texas Christian University, Fort Worth, Texas USA

English Editor of RATKES

Give yourself the gift of coaching

Introducing ‘Supervision with a Difference’

The PROFACT Network is offering a unique opportunity to coaches and STUDENT-COACHES, especially those living in or near Pretoria.

Too many coaches are putting a lot of  training into coaching skills, and then get discouraged by the business side of running a coaching practice. Not mastering these principles coaches are sometimes unsure how to freely grow both their confidence and their practice.

Besides, as coaches we need to talk about our experiences in our practices… “supervision” could also afford us an opportunity to reflect upon topics’ e.g. I am often asked, such as these:

• What can I do to get clients? Who would I call? What would I say? How can I get clients without being pushy?
• Won’t it be weird or uncomfortable coaching my friends and colleagues?
• What if I get stuck during a session?
• How can I be credible when I don’t even have a certification yet?
• Can I really make a living from coaching?

Supervision is a commitment to our own wellbeing, as well as our personal and professional development as a coach, and has the added benefit of protecting our clients, and ourselves, for example from loneliness and potential burnout

Leading these get-togethers, Elta Boshard will start with an introductory session to enable you to find out more about what “Coaching Supervision” is, could be… and is not. You’ll get to know Elta and experience how she works. Elta also runs various monthly supervision groups for those who are interested in making an on-going commitment to growth in terms of professional, spiritual, physical, intellectual and all other intelligences development.

Elta invites other coaches and mentors to come on board – to make use of the opportunities for networking and also to introduce your unique offerings to colleagues.

OPTIONS

Venue: 29 Lion Road, STERREWAG, MONUMENT PARK.
Your investment in your own growth and development: R50-180 per Session (Min of 5 persons & Max 8 persons per group)

Numbers will be kept small, so please RSVP to Elta: 082 555 7575 to reserve your place

Dr Elta Boshard is a certified member (Organizational) of the International TA Association, a member of the International Association of Coaching and has 30 years experience in the Human Service Provider-industry, 20 of these as an Executive Mentor (SABPP) and Solution- Focused Coach. She has many years of experience as Supervisor in various settings with a variety of modalities. She coaches individuals and groups and supervises other coaches, social workers and trauma counsellors from various NGO’s and other organisations. Her special interest and advanced research in supervision for, and coaching of, survivors of Compassion Fatigue, informed her dissertation (PhD in 2003). Elta is a member of  COMENSA. 

C-i-C@29*** Lion Road *** (Coaches-in-Coaching, Dr Elta’s Enablers)

As you all know I just got back from the R&R retreat all along the Garden Route – It was absolute BLISS… The mystics say that there are invisible realms…  hidden dimensions to our Universe that cannot be seen, felt, tasted, touched or experienced with our five senses. 

But the irony is that I experienced something there in the Knysna Bush, the mountains and the sea that brought me to my senses – a peace that stopped me in my tracks, so to speak!

 This all I experienced abundantly in the absence of forever-being-connected – always feeling the stress and urgency of daily tasks and too many commitments.  You know, the kind of mantra I picked up somewhere: “I have so many things that I still want to do! I also want to make a difference in the world” – And then all of this at the same time.  I used to call it my spunk… no more…

I truly did not want to come back to Gauteng, believe me.  Whilst relishing the fresh air, the majestic beauty and serenity of nature something precious came to settle ever so quietly into the silence of my core-being: something I had to face and accept… the reality that I lost my spunk (fighting spirit?) somewhere… perhaps it was en route 66 - 67.

I commit to embrace the Wisdom and Peace that came with Acceptance to replace SPUNK… and so I’ll journey and jounal on with Gratitude.  My Goal is to “stay in the Garder Route” for at least another 30 days.  Keep me accountable, if you like…