THIS MONTH’S CHALLENGE:

When I chose to make my theme for August “Gratitude”, little did I realise that it was going to be a daily practice of taking those small steps against my own scale. As most of you may know, I went through what was perhaps the toughest six weeks of my life. It demanded a lot of soul-searching, facing THE TRUTH (not my truth), dealing with loss, practicing presence (acceptance) and commitment (to wisdom to know the difference). Vacillating between self-doubt and self-acceptance I read “Mistakes were made….” (more in my reading list) I checked in with myself, my supervisor and a couple of good and trusted friends regularly – accountability checkups. I could move from a 0 (not a good place) to a 5 (better place) and gradually to a 10 (a good place). This morning, when tidying up my desk from all the Microsoft “How to…” guides I came across a book I bought, started reading, and then completely forgot about it! The title “VITAL LIES, SIMPLE TRUTHS” by Daniel Goleman is “… a penetrating analysis of the ways in which we deceive ourselves …our means of psychological self-preservation, the currency of survival in which society transacts” [adapted from the back cover].

“So what has this got to do with SF practices”?

You may well ask. Here is my answer:

I so  wanted to get to 10 quicly! My supervisor did all he could: really listened, ask the right questions… we even rebuilt the platform. With hindsight I think having an SF-Supervisor was not always helpful.

It was only after he shared his “VIEWS” with me that I could:

• embrace the real truth about the stumbling block(s)

• stop looking around • practise presence (breathe, and then some more

• accept responsibility

I could celebrate my 6 to 7; 7.5 to 8, and occasional my9 – before that 10. It was not all plain sailing: I could look at the 5.5; once even a -3! and explore what it was that I stopped doing, and recommit to more or of what worked.

My question to you: Are we mindful of being sensitive enough to our clients’ readiness to move, to co-create a thinking environment where there is space to breathe and to allow them to set their own pace? Are we always willing to work with our coach-mentor when we get stuck? Are we even willing to admit that we need to/ Wishing you all a great week!

PS!

 Using my experiences as a type of “case study” was perhaps a brave thing to do, or not… At least there was no confidentiality or ethical issues here! I prefer to believe it’s my willingness to openly walk my talk. “The quality of everything we do depends on the quality of the thinking we do first.” ~ Nancy Kline

PPS!!

And as we reflect on this case study, let’s consider also this quote: “Your body needs to be held and to hold, to be touched and to touch. None of these needs is to be despised, denied, or repressed. But you have to keep searching for your body’s deeper need, the need for genuine love. Every time you are able to go beyond the body’s superficial desires for love, you are bringing your body home and moving toward integration and unity.” – Henri Nouwen

Would love to hear your thoughts!

An Attitude of Gratitude

by

Frank Thomas

RATKES, Winter 2005-06

Grateful people are happier, more optimistic, more satisfied with their lives.  They are more empathetic toward others.  We even have a bit of evidence that grateful people are viewed as kinder, more helpful and more supportive than less-grateful people.

Michael McCullough

Professor of Psychology

University of Miami

In my last RATKES column, I rambled a bit on this notion of “well-being” and the increased interest in wellness I have both witnessed and experienced.  Having eliminated the possibility of achieving “balance” in my life (please see the last issue!), I find myself wondering, much as others do, “Now what?”  Although change can be positive when options are narrowed, I always seem to wander around looking for another idea or practice that fills the “gap” that is created when I purge some.  My good friend Dr. Duane Bidwell brought my attention to a time-honored possibility:  GRATITUDE.

Gratitude is an odd concept, as it can be seen both as a state of being (an emotion) and as an attitude toward life.  Cicero once said that gratitude is “the parent of all other” virtues.  Research supports gratitude as a means to improved mood, a factor in successful marriages, and fuel for personal growth and resilience.  When people adopt a grateful attitude, they tend to remember positive events in their lives more easily and are better able to promote constructive changes in their social relationships – both families and organizational systems.  Grateful people tend to inspire prosocial behavior within others as well as personal moral behavior.  When we adopt an “attitude of gratitude,” we tend to overlook the unimportant negatives in others.  In addition, gratitude correlates positively with personal spirituality and the attaining of personal goals.

“Soooooo,” I ask myself, “what is holding me back from being more grateful?”  I find that gratitude must be sown, nourished, and harvested.  Being a Norwegian-Finnish-American from a fairly large family, I grew up with an appreciation for what I call “simple graces”:  a hot dinner, clothing that kept me warm, work that is satisfying, attention from people I admired.  As I grew older, I have found that I can easily take the simple things in life – even important events and relationships – for granted.  Recently, I have rekindled my perception of and interest in these simple graces and have been developing rituals of gratitude around them.  When I awaken at night and find myself unable to drift back to sleep, I recall moments of kindness I experienced during the previous day.  When I shower in the mornings, my mind drifts toward the coming day and focuses on how I might notice and appreciate who I am, what I have, and what I receive.  When I eat, I pause to remember the sacrifices others have made – farmers, grocers, truckers, and others – so I might nourish my body with food that is plentiful.  While I write this article, I stop to notice the wonderful color, texture, and aroma of the single-malt scotch that I am able to enjoy.

How can one plant, cultivate, and reap benefits from an attitude of gratitude?  Here are a few more ideas:

• Pause prior to each counseling session and focus on how fortunate you are to be a witness to people’s struggles, suffering, and triumphs.
• Say grace before eating or drinking.  This can be a religious/spiritual exercise within which one gives thanks to an Other, or it can simply be a moment of thanksgiving to those who have labored to bring food to your table.
• Write about your experiences within the frame of gratitude.  Keep a “gratitude journal,” focusing on being grateful during a portion of your journaling each week.  Notice who comes to mind; what events, people, and experiences rise to the surface; and how you honor those who contribute to what is important in your life.
• “Share the credit” – this is a familiar concept to Finns because of the work of our friends Ben Furman and Tapani Ahola.  Say “Thank you!” aloud to friends, family, and colleagues as you work, rest, and play.  Saying, “I am so thankful you are my friend” will brighten two lives – you for speaking, and the other for listening.
• Develop “gratitude triggers.”  My friend and colleague Duane has a beautiful practice that he has developed with his three-year-old adopted Vietnamese son, Ben.  Whenever Ben notices anything while they are driving in the car together, Duane says, “Thank God for ______.”  This can become comical, I am sure:  “Thank God for policemen…Thank God for signs…Thank God for lawn mowers…”, but they are cultivating a relationship of gratitude that I truly admire.
• Practice silence and contemplation.  Nothing allows you to develop and express gratitude like reflective thought.

And how might this be relevant to our competency-based and solution-focused therapy and consultation practices?  Again, here are a few of my ideas:

• Elicit explanations that allow for clients to “share credit,” assuming others can both be identified and appreciated.  Example:  How have others contributed to your rapid recovery?
• Generate curiosity around gratitude.  Example:  I wonder who you might thank for the positive changes you have experienced?  Could we start with you?
• Create “awards” and allow clients to give “awards speeches,” spinning off of the work of White and Epston.  Many people have seen “The Academy Awards” or similar programs.  When people are given a much-deserved award, they almost always give tribute to colleagues, friends, and family who have inspired or supported their success.  Example:  You have just received the “Most Improved Student Award” in your school.  Congratulations!  Who would you thank in your acceptance speech if you were to walk to the stage to receive your trophy?
• Ask about valuable relationships and encourage (re)connecting with those who make positive differences.  Example:  Who values you?  How do you know this?  If you were to go to this person, what would you say to thank her for what she has contributed to your success?
• Find out who is part of the “supporting cast” of this person’s life.  Example:  If you are the star of “Your Life,” who are the supporting cast members?  What parts do they play?  How do they “polish your star” and make you shine even brighter?
• Finally, ask about personal qualities and traits for which the client is thankful that are genetic gifts or legacies.  Example:  Your marvelous singing voice has served you well, helping you overcome loneliness.  Which side of the family did you get that from?  Have you ever thanked your Mom for that gift?  How might you do that?

All in all, nourishing an attitude of gratitude in ourselves may lead us to appreciate our own “supporting cast,” improving our well-being and strengthening our ties to health in others.  I would love to hear your stories of gratitude and how you discover gratitude in your everyday practices!

Gratefully yours (how else can I be!),

Frank Thomas, PhD

Associate Professor of Counseling, Texas Christian University, Fort Worth, Texas USA

English Editor of RATKES

Do you have enough purpose, meaning and fulfilment in your life?

Do you wake up every morning – ready to hit the road running?

Do you have enough wealth, meaning and success in your career, your business?

Do you have enough confidence and trust in your ‘self’?

If you answered ‘yes’ to any these questions, then I’m wondering what you are doing here? Go back to your life and savour it – for it is indeed a treasure…  Or perhaps you have a “Lesson from Life” that you want to share?  Great, I want to hear from you!

Hopefully, you will find this web site of value. My goal is to provide you with highly effective information and tools that enable you to get more of what you most want out of life. 

The Fractals in our banner remind us that life is Complex and Chaotic…. but never random.

Recommended Read: Arvind Kumar, Chaos, Fractals and Self-Organisation; New Perspectives on Complexity in Nature. National Book Trust, 2003.

However, it is also much more than that - beyond the way things appear on the surface, we find that there is a Miracle hidden in the spirals – that there is a light shining from somewhere on the mystery of what is emerging as we do the work in our coaching journey.  As Gibran said: “Work is love made visible.”

Work your way through this site and do come back often as is it a living thing… and the only constant thing is… change!

Give yourself the gift of coaching

Introducing ‘Supervision with a Difference’

The PROFACT Network is offering a unique opportunity to coaches and STUDENT-COACHES, especially those living in or near Pretoria.

Too many coaches are putting a lot of  training into coaching skills, and then get discouraged by the business side of running a coaching practice. Not mastering these principles coaches are sometimes unsure how to freely grow both their confidence and their practice.

Besides, as coaches we need to talk about our experiences in our practices… “supervision” could also afford us an opportunity to reflect upon topics’ e.g. I am often asked, such as these:

• What can I do to get clients? Who would I call? What would I say? How can I get clients without being pushy?
• Won’t it be weird or uncomfortable coaching my friends and colleagues?
• What if I get stuck during a session?
• How can I be credible when I don’t even have a certification yet?
• Can I really make a living from coaching?

Supervision is a commitment to our own wellbeing, as well as our personal and professional development as a coach, and has the added benefit of protecting our clients, and ourselves, for example from loneliness and potential burnout

Leading these get-togethers, Elta Boshard will start with an introductory session to enable you to find out more about what “Coaching Supervision” is, could be… and is not. You’ll get to know Elta and experience how she works. Elta also runs various monthly supervision groups for those who are interested in making an on-going commitment to growth in terms of professional, spiritual, physical, intellectual and all other intelligences development.

Elta invites other coaches and mentors to come on board – to make use of the opportunities for networking and also to introduce your unique offerings to colleagues.

OPTIONS

Venue: 29 Lion Road, STERREWAG, MONUMENT PARK.
Your investment in your own growth and development: R50-180 per Session (Min of 5 persons & Max 8 persons per group)

Numbers will be kept small, so please RSVP to Elta: 082 555 7575 to reserve your place

Dr Elta Boshard is a certified member (Organizational) of the International TA Association, a member of the International Association of Coaching and has 30 years experience in the Human Service Provider-industry, 20 of these as an Executive Mentor (SABPP) and Solution- Focused Coach. She has many years of experience as Supervisor in various settings with a variety of modalities. She coaches individuals and groups and supervises other coaches, social workers and trauma counsellors from various NGO’s and other organisations. Her special interest and advanced research in supervision for, and coaching of, survivors of Compassion Fatigue, informed her dissertation (PhD in 2003). Elta is a member of  COMENSA. 

C-i-C@29*** Lion Road *** (Coaches-in-Coaching, Dr Elta’s Enablers)

As you all know I just got back from the R&R retreat all along the Garden Route – It was absolute BLISS… The mystics say that there are invisible realms…  hidden dimensions to our Universe that cannot be seen, felt, tasted, touched or experienced with our five senses. 

But the irony is that I experienced something there in the Knysna Bush, the mountains and the sea that brought me to my senses – a peace that stopped me in my tracks, so to speak!

 This all I experienced abundantly in the absence of forever-being-connected – always feeling the stress and urgency of daily tasks and too many commitments.  You know, the kind of mantra I picked up somewhere: “I have so many things that I still want to do! I also want to make a difference in the world” – And then all of this at the same time.  I used to call it my spunk… no more…

I truly did not want to come back to Gauteng, believe me.  Whilst relishing the fresh air, the majestic beauty and serenity of nature something precious came to settle ever so quietly into the silence of my core-being: something I had to face and accept… the reality that I lost my spunk (fighting spirit?) somewhere… perhaps it was en route 66 - 67.

I commit to embrace the Wisdom and Peace that came with Acceptance to replace SPUNK… and so I’ll journey and jounal on with Gratitude.  My Goal is to “stay in the Garder Route” for at least another 30 days.  Keep me accountable, if you like…